Big changes since my 50th birthday

Change happens whether we want it to or not.

March 30, 2018. Blanket has been passed around the family since my mother’s 50’th.

I am regularly reflective on my birthday, but the past 7 years have included a number of larger changes that has led to me learning more about who I am.

Twenty Eighteen

Canadiana cubicle, taken March 29 2018.

My coworkers at Canadiana.org had decorated my cubicle for my 50’th birthday in 2018. This was our collective last days at Canadiana, as in April all the people who survived the merger process would be working for Canadian Research Knowledge Network (CRKN).

My new job at the Canadian Research Knowledge Network (CRKN)

I made some mistakes in relation to that change of employer, not recognizing that I would not be doing the same job even though I was superficially told I would be and that I would even be sitting in the same cubicle.

An acquisition means a new job, not merely a different name on paychecks.

Early in April I learned about a major decline in my mother’s health. She was being told that she only had months to live. I did my best to help in any way I could, and spent as much time as I could with her in Sudbury. CRKN was great in allowing me to have irregular hours and to work remotely, with remote work being rare at CRKN at the time.

Patricia and Russell McOrmond, taken July 8, 2018

After my mother died on August 19th, and I finished certain paperwork and cleaning out of her apartment, I tried to resume my life. Turns out that wasn’t realistic.

I started to see a psychotherapist. After a few months of sessions, a conversation about Autism started.

In the early 2000’s I was told to look into Autism, as there were many people in the technology sector that were Autistic. I saw a list of deficiencies that I didn’t believe had anything to do with me, so I dismissed the possibility.

Starting in the spring of 2019 I started to look more closely at the possibility, but I was still skeptical as I misunderstood what an Autistic Mask was. I felt that I was a terrible actor, even terrible at lying, so still felt that I couldn’t possibly have a mask.

Goodbye 2018

Twenty Twenty

In 2020 there was pandemic lockdowns, but I don’t think that is what initiated the largest change in that time period for me.

Prior to COVID lockdowns there was a “shut down Canada” movement blocking rail lines in solidarity with something happening in “British Columbia”. As the pandemic became the top story in the spring I kept hearing about the so-called “China Virus”, and then in the summer there was the “Black Lives Matter” protests.

It became obvious to me that there was something I was missing, so started a deep-dive into what I learned was being called Anti-Racism and this lead me to anti-colonialism.

What does being a Canadian mean to me?

For me, this was just another part of lifelong learning, but it turned out to be very different from other learning. When I had electronics, computers, and even Digital Copyright as what I now know as a “special interests”, they tended to bore people who I wanted to share what I was learning with. Anti-racism is very different, as people have been misinformed their entire lives about what Racism is, and many white people react to the conversation as if it is an attack on them personally and their individual identity.

Observing White Fagility

These conversations didn’t make sense to me as I didn’t understand why people had attached these social constructs and social hierarchies to their individual identities. I continued to do share what I could. I felt it was my duty as a person claimed as a “white” person, which meant I had the privilege of not being racialized. Whiteness itself is a regularly changed subjectively defined social construct created to place “whiteness” at the top of a social hierarchy, with anyone not claimed as “white” placed at various distances below that.

My privileges, and my systems mental block around race.

Goodbye 2020: Who to direct anger to for COVID-19 economic hardships.

Twenty Twenty Two

In summer 2022 I contracted Lyme Disease. Fatigue meant I didn’t have the energy to mask, and thus I finally accepted I had been masking. Conversations at work were getting more complex, and by the fall of 2022 I had informed my workplace about the impact that Lyme Disease was having on my ability to mask.

I tried to ask CRKN management for what I would need while I was dealing with Lyme Disease:

• Flexible hours, as I may need to nap during the day : Granted

  • I was also already at 80% contract, and had been for many years.

• Flexible work location to handle naps, pain, etc : Granted

  • I was already working mostly from home, with very infrequent meetings.

• Understanding about a lack of energy to Autistic Mask : Denied

  • This was misrepresented by CRKN management.

By the spring of 2023 everything seemed to be falling apart. I couldn’t decipher what was happening at work, and would try to respond to questions and comments with logic and data which seemed to only make miscommunications worse.

In May I was placed on Sick Leave for being Autistic at work. That pushed me into full-on Autistic Burnout. Since nothing changed about the workplace over the summer that would enable me to return, when I ran out of sick leave days I resigned.

My Autism Burnout story

(Long form is on the podcast My Friend Autism: Fired For Being Autistic - How to STOP it )

Twenty Twenty Four

In July 2024 I received results from an Autism Assessment I started a year earlier, and now have an official diagnosis.

Twenty Twenty Five

That brings me to today.

I’ve been told that I shouldn’t have made so many changes all at once, but I don’t feel I had choices about these changes. If only one potential change was happening I might have been able to better analyse what was happening and make some choices.

I’m still recovering from burnout, so I haven't been applying for jobs. I might have been able to continue at my previous job if they had an interest in me being there, but navigating the HR process and trying to “Act Neurotypical” sufficiently to demonstrate my technical skills to new people who don’t already know me isn’t feasible.

There are family things that keep me busy, with aging in-laws I am trying to be as helpful with as I can.

I don’t know if burnout is temporary or permanent, and it might be that what happened with my previous employer now means I’m in early retirement. I still have valuable skills and believe I can make great contributions, but I’m not sure if I’m able to work within environments that privilege conformity to social constructs and social hierarchies over other skills. I might be considered disabled now, and fall through the cracks like many other disabled people do.

I continue to learn about anti-racism and anti-colonialism, and to share what I’ve learned. I do not, however, have any tools to work past White Fragility. With some individuals, any attempt to share my systems learning has been seen as arrogance or personal accusations. While I still believe it is my duty as a non-racialized (IE: White) person to share, I have learned to simply back away from conversations once it is obvious that the person is on the defensive rather than in a mode where they are interested in me sharing.

I’m working hard to both be comfortable with who I actually am as an Autistic person, but to also be able to use a mask in moments when being open and honest isn’t appropriate. People say they want honesty, and say they believe sharing is caring, but the reality is that these are regularly just performative words that can’t be taken at face value.

Learning about Autism (and thus Allism), anti-racism, anti-colonialism, intersectionality, and other ideas – and adding it to my existing systems thinking – is starting to make more of the world around me make more sense.