Thanking my parents
Julie M Green writes The Autistic Mom blog, and is the author of a book that is expected to be released in September.
A recent article about Autism and gender identity sparked many thoughts in me. I added a comment to the article sharing thoughts about my own gender identity.
The following is not parenting advise, but the reflections of an Autistic adult (some claim a senior :-) who remembers what it was like to be a child. My wife and I never had children, but we are friends with other families who have and we have been very close to other people from their birth.
I'm fairly regularly asked what makes me (an adult assessed Autistic person) different from that "screaming child" that seems to be the image of Autistic people that some have stuck in their head. How was I not “found out” as a child? Do I even qualify as being Autistic considering I was “successful” according to how that is defined in this culture?
I believe my parents are are core part of that answer.
At no point did my parents treat me as defective, or a burden to them, as I hear some parents speaking of their neurodivergent children.
While I observed many other families that were strict on gender (and MANY other things), my parents weren't. They had ideas about what should be true, and what they wished were true, but didn't impose that on their own children. If I wanted to swap chores with my older sister so she could go outside and shovel our (long) driveway and I would stay in the house and work in the kitchen when a party was happening, that was allowed.
I would have IMHO random illogical things demanded of me at school and whenever I was away from home, but I had a more safe home to return to where I could be myself (or rather, try to figure out what that was. I’m still exploring).
I saw the parents of some of my friends, and I can only imagine what would have happened if I was living under their strictness.
I am speaking of arbitrary social constructs, social hierarchies, and social perception (“saving face”, etc). I consider safety to be an entirely different thing. As an Autistic person, I need there to be structure and patterns – a “let the children do anything they want” would not have been helpful at all. Even at this age I get flustered when plans change at the last minute, and I can’t imagine what I would have been like as a child had there never been plans in the first place (and/or they weren’t shared with me).
It is something I see in many younger families, where they go to a different extreme which I would have found hard to live within.
Explain the "why', and I can do anything. If there is no "why", or the "why" is never offered (there is anger at clarifying questions, or a claim it is insubordination/disrespectful/etc), that is when I head to a place that will generate meltdowns/etc. This is true as an adult, but as an adult I can do my own research on "why" and I can provide my own comforting logical thoughts (I need to do this illogical thing that has no purpose in order to get paid by an illogical employer).
I didn’t accept that I’m Autistic while my parents were still alive. My sister died in 1989, my father in 2009, and my mother in 2018. My memories of my predeceased family members are fond, and I don’t get sad when I think of them, but I regularly wonder what they would think about what I’ve continued to learn about myself (and thus possibly the rest of my family).
I know Autism is hereditary, and there are hints on both sides of the family as to where that may have come from. This is only something I can speculate on, as there is no way to know these things for sure.
I write this as a thank you to all the parents who (knowingly, or unknowingly in the 1970's) provide that stable base for their Autistic children.
Russell, this was so beautiful. It made me cry, and not just as a father, but also as a son, a brother, and a human. This was incredible. Thank you. And Thank you to your parents too! You turned out *perfectly*
I'm so glad my post provided some inspiration for your own musings. How lucky you were to grow up with such parents!